The Green Notebook
by meangoose
Summary: He never considered the risks of being a soldier... until now. Jean Havoc knows he would do anything for his comrades, even give up his own morals and happiness. All seemed well at first, but now he's being thrown into a plot much bigger than he is...
1. Acting Before Thinking

_For the best guy friend (and brother) I could ever ask for.  
This one's for you, love._

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A/N -- Welcome, folks. This story has been in planning for over a month now, and it's finally here. Well, chapter one anyway. I'll try to update as much as possible, but I can't make any promises on how frequent the updates will be. In any case, I really like reviews, as they motivate and inspire me. So, the more reviews I get, the faster I update. Don't believe me? It's true. Compliments make me work faster. So, if you get impatient waiting, say something nice, and it will kill my writer's block. :) Well, I hope you guys enjoy. Much love. xxxxxx

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_**The Green Notebook**_

**Chapter One: "Acting Before Thinking"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

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Not a force in the world could stop them now. The rage which had settled itself into their hearts had long since taken control of their actions, and they would not hold back now. The man they had captured, this Colonel Hector Brady, was just about to strike their last nerves. Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye clutched the 2nd Lieutenant's hand tightly in her own while she watched her beloved Colonel release his fury upon the man fastened in the wooden chair against the basement wall. Jean Havoc didn't know how to comfort her now, even though he usually did. He couldn't now; he was filled with too much hatred for this man. For now, he had no choice but to stand back and make sure Roy Mustang didn't kill the man. Brady had some valuable information they needed before they eradicated him.

The dim light of the basement cast an eerie glow on the face of their enemy, and Mustang's obsidian eyes flashed with maniacal revulsion as he made eye contact with the man he had just finished beating. Brady's face was misshapen with abuse, and blood was painted across his pale flesh. He had only been there 24 hours, but the lack of food and water was already visible in his appearance. His hands shook from the pain of the Colonel's blows, but he was especially lucky he hadn't been torched yet. Though, if Mustang had put on his gloves before he began interrogating Brady, the man would have surely been dead by now. The sole reason Mustang kept his gloves in his pocket and out of temptation's reach.

Havoc blamed himself for all of this, even though Hawkeye had told him many times before it wasn't his fault. In his mind, it was because of his actions--his words--which led to this. Even if it started out as nothing more than a joke, it led to something serious, and Hawkeye's life had almost been lost for it. His stupidity, his damned tendency to act before thinking, had escorted them to--what could eventually be--their ultimate doom.

Mustang then grabbed the broken man by his shirt collar and glared deeply into his vacant gaze. "Quit fucking with me," he demanded in a dangerous tone. His voice was darker than his eyes. "Who told you to attack her?"

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_To a nameless face. To a faceless woman. To that person whom I may one day call my own. Call me pathetic, writing such things before I even know you, but I believe a man well-off is a man well-prepared._

Jean Havoc discreetly closed the cover of the pale green notebook before Breda attempted to peer over his shoulder to see what he was writing like he usually tried to do when he wrote in it at work. He carried his notebook--though treated more like a journal--everywhere with him. Of course, he would never let anyone gain insight to this mysterious, prosaic side of him. It just wasn't solider-like to scribble down poetic prose when the inspiration came.

On the other hand, neither was the conversation which came up that day during his lunch break. During the hour, he conversed with Breda, Falman, and Fuery. Mustang joined them in their guy talk every now and then, but he was usually too busy trying to finish paperwork he had been putting off all morning. Of course, Hawkeye always stayed behind to make sure he actually did it right that time, so she never joined them in their talks. Wherever Mustang was, she was there too. It pissed him off the way she seemed so devoted to him in the most caring and loving way, and he never seemed to appreciate what he had. In previous talks with the Colonel, Havoc heard the man say he didn't deserve happiness and things of that sort. It agitated him because Mustang already _had _happiness, and he was too blind to see it. He had Havoc and the others, who would do practically anything for him. And then there was Hawkeye, God bless her. Whenever Mustang worked overtime, she stayed with him. And whenever he was behind, she helped him catch up. And every man in that office saw the love and kindness in her eyes, it seemed, except the one man she loved. Of course, Havoc and the others talked about this frequently, always wondering when one of them was going to go ahead and confess his or her feelings. It was obvious he liked her too. Anyone could tell he enjoyed her company. He had that look in his eyes too.

But the conversation they had that day went beyond the usual "I wish one of 'em would hurry up and make a move already." That day, they took the next step.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they were secretly having sex on Mustang's desk during those long hours when everyone else is gone," Havoc stated as he lit up a cigarette and inhaled the smoke, and it was already calming his nerves.

"Desk sex?" Breda asked as his curious eyes flickered with imagination. "Hah. Probably."

Fuery's eyes widened behind his glasses as he looked up at the other officers, appearing both astonished and horrified at the same time. "No way!"

Havoc laughed. "Seriously, look at those two. There's gotta be something goin' on there."

"You just wish it was _you,_ Lieutenant." Breda chuckled. Havoc blushed furiously, knowing this was true. Before recently, he just saw her as one of the guys. So damn solider-like she was, it was sometimes hard to remember she was a female. Then, he started paying more attention. He knew there was more to Hawkeye than met the eye. The others saw her as a stern, callous, no-nonsense woman, but he had seen her sensitive side. Well, noticed it anyway. It was in the tone in her voice when she spoke to any of them and the way she handled her work. It was the way she always noticed when one of them was down about something. It was in her smile and her words. And she wasn't like most of the girls Havoc had met before. She was genuine, and she was no fool. She saw the world with open eyes and put others needs before her own. She was perfect, and it seemed he was the only one who saw that in her. Underneath that military uniform was a sensitive, caring woman… or perhaps that was too perverse of a way to describe it.

In any case, he noticed it. At first, he thought it was infatuation, mostly because the idea of being with her seemed so enthralling. But, over time, those feelings grew. He talked to her whenever he could, during breaks and such. He had found out she loved to read, which briefly reminded him of his own passion for literature. He almost considered letting her read some of his writings but quickly disregarded it, figuring it would probably creep her out. It seemed she tried to hide her true self, but he wasn't sure why. Perhaps she was afraid of relationships of any kind interfering with her work. She was very dedicated to her job and--especially--to Mustang, and he hated to see her so bloody obsessed with him while he seemed to disregard any feelings she might have for him. He didn't understand that man. Hell, if Hawkeye wanted anything to do with _him, _he wouldn't hesitate to be with her. He wanted to know more about her. She mystified him, captivated him. He loved her, and he would do anything to protect her.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye's a pretty lady," Fuery commented innocently, though all of them were sure the whole desk sex theory wasn't exactly clicking in his untainted mind. While they all had to agree with his statement, he was probably looking more at her face while they had their main attention set on those lovely D-cups. They were such predictable men.

"And the Colonel likes pretty ladies," Falman continued with a stern nod, agreeing with Havoc's theory. "Should we investigate this matter?"

All four men were speechless for a moment, wondering if Falman was even considering the possible outcome of such an investigation. Plus, their findings could have possibly broken poor Fuery's brain.

"No need for all that," Havoc declined with a wave of his hand. "I think it's pretty definite."

"Definite, huh?" Breda said in mild agreement, his eyes seeming to wander off in deep thought. "If you say so."

"What's definite?" rang a familiar, female voice from a few feet away. All four of them turned abruptly to see Hawkeye standing there, a confused but stern look on her angelic (to Havoc anyway) face. Her light brown eyes gazed straight into Havoc's, looking for answers in his own cobalt orbs. And even though she terrified him with her sternness, the kindness was still there. Even when she was frustrated or angry, she always seemed so motherly and caring. Behind her cold appearance was burning passion. For what, he didn't know. He couldn't help but smile.

"What are you smiling about?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, nothing. You look beautiful today, Lieutenant." _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She sighed. "Don't try to sweet talk me because you're late from your lunch break, Havoc. If you're going to flatter anyone, I suggest you do so to the Colonel… And put that cigarette out. You know you're not supposed to smoke indoors."

With that, she left, and Havoc could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. And judging by the look on Breda's face, he must have looked like a fool.

"Smooth move, Lieutenant Blunder," he chuckled.

"Shut your damn mouth," Havoc snapped as he obediently put out his cigarette. He couldn't believe he actually told her she was beautiful. He didn't even _think _about it. Why did he always act before thinking? One day, it was going to get him in a lot of trouble. _Damn it._

"If it helps any," Fuery interrupted, "I think I saw her blush a little." His smile made Havoc want to believe him; it was almost convincing. But he knew better than to get his hopes up on that statement. Riza would never be his.

"Only 'cause Mustang told 'er that after he got through bangin' her on her own desk," Havoc stated in an amused tone, pretending not to care if it happened or not. A part of him wondered if that's what they did during their lunch break…

"Oh? Her desk too, then?" Breda questioned.

Havoc shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

After ending the conversation with those mental images in their brains (except Fuery's, of course), they went back to the office and explained to the Colonel how they lost track of time in "very important man talk." He didn't seem pleased in the least and griped about their wasting time. Like he was one to talk, always avoiding his paperwork. If it weren't for Hawkeye harping about it all the time, he'd never get it done. But, there was no respect lost. Roy Mustang was a good man, and they all knew that. He really deserved someone like Hawkeye.

And after that day, things just started heading downhill…

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A/N -- Please leave reviews. They are greatly appreciated. :) Love you, guys.


	2. The Rumor

A/N -- Chapter Two is completed!! :D Thank you, thank you, thank you, kind reviewers! Everyone was so nice. Your kind words made my day, really. I kept the stupidest grin on my face for the longest time. XD So, thanks again. And remember, readers, reviews give me inspiration. The more love you show, the better my writing will be. I couldn't do anything without you guys. xxxxxxx Anyway, here's the second chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it.

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_**The Green Notebook**_

**Chapter Two: "The Rumor"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

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The Colonel and his 1st Lieutenant were out of the room when the phone rang that afternoon. Since Breda was closer to the phone when it began ringing, he answered it, only to find out that it was Sheska. That's when Havoc saw the wheels turning in Breda's head. There was a flash of inspiration in his dark eyes, and his kind look became a conniving grin.

"How are you today, Miss Sheska?" he asked, beginning a casual conversation. At first, Havoc thought he was going to ask her out on a date or something, but the girl just wasn't his type at all. He was curious, so he listened intently.

"Oh, everything's great here. Really great. Especially for Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye."

He wasn't… Oh, god. He was.

Previously, Havoc and the others discussed ideas on what they could do to finally bring the Colonel and his Lieutenant together, or at least get one or both of them to confess their feelings. Breda had volunteered to confront the them himself and brave the flames and bullets, but then Falman reminded him of Black Hayate, and he quickly changed his mind. Havoc supposed he had a new plan now, one which would involve more than just the six of them.

"Oh, everyone at East HQ is talking about it," he continued matter-of-factly. "Supposedly, they're having an affair… Yeah, right on the Colonel's desk. Hawkeye's too."

Havoc went pale and buried his face in the palms of his hands. He could feel Falman staring at him, probably wondering if he had anything to do with this plan of Breda's. As for Fuery, he wasn't even paying attention. He was happily repairing a radio at his desk, hardly paying attention to anything but his work in front of him. Havoc's heart seemed to sink down to his feet as he listened to Breda continue to casually chat with Sheska before finally explaining that Mustang was out of the office at the moment.

"Yes, I'll be sure to tell him for you… You're welcome." He hung up the phone and grinned at Havoc, though Havoc's expression was nothing short of a horrified grimace.

"One question… What in the _hell _are you thinking?" Havoc asked in monotone.

Breda shrugged. "Come on, who does that girl talk to?"

"_Hughes._"

"And who would Hughes tell?"

"_Everyone_."

"Sounds fun." His smile never faded, and neither did Havoc's paleness. "Hey, Hav, it's not that bad. As soon as I said something, that girl got all excited about it, like she was expecting it. Honestly, everyone's just waiting for something to happen. I bet even Lieutenant Colonel Hughes won't be surprised."

"Don't say that…" He moaned and dropped his head on the desk. "If they ever find out about this, they're going to kill me."

"No, they won't," Falman interrupted, a gentle smile on his face. Havoc lifted his head from the hard surface in front of him to look at Falman, hoping he had some words of wisdom to share, even though he doubted it. "Maybe, once they realize everyone knows about it already, they'll stop trying to hide it. They'll figure there's no point in keeping it a secret anymore. Then, they'll have you to thank for their togetherness."

Fuery then looked up from his desk and grinned broadly. "Or, she could be so desperate to kill the rumors, she asks the Lieutenant on a date!"

Havoc blushed. "Nah, she wouldn't do all that. She'd just put a bullet between my eyes and kill the source of it all."

Fuery's expression turned serious, but it was still hard to take him genuinely. "It not like killing you would _stop _the rumors…"

Breda nodded in agreement. "See? You owe me, Havoc. Now, let me read that green notebook of yours as payment."

Havoc had his notebook on his desk, open. He had been writing something just before the phone rang. Though, despite the friendship he had with the redhead, he was too embarrassed to let him read it. He had his mind set that no one would ever find out about his poetic side. "It's nothing interesting, Breda…"

"Then you shouldn't have a problem showing it to me." He grinned.

"It's… just a grocery list…"

"Oh, I see. Shopping for things I don't need to know about?"

Havoc turned red, frustrated that Breda would say something like that out loud in front of other people. "Oh, of course," he answered sarcastically as he began writing again, though being sure to finish quickly before Breda got too curious.

At that moment, Mustang and Hawkeye reentered the office, both expressionless. That was typical for them. His theory? They were trying to hide their goo-goo eyes for each other…

"Oh, sir, Miss Sheska called a few minutes ago," Breda stated, his playful tone shifting to a solemn one. "She says you need to call the Lt. Colonel as soon as possible."

He nodded in return, though looking a bit annoyed. From what Havoc knew of Hughes, not many of his conversations were serious at all. Apparently, he called Mustang from work quite often to brag about his family. He wondered if that's all Hughes wanted to talk about, or if it was actually something important this time.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," he said calmly to Breda before sitting at his desk and occupying himself with paperwork. Hawkeye stood next to his desk for a moment, organizing some files for him. He noticed how he didn't have to ask her to do that; she just worked silently and carefully without being told to do so. That was another clue towards her likeness for Roy; not only did she do everything he asked, but she did things _without_ his having to ask. For example, just then, when she began organizing things on his desk. (Maybe she was reminiscing the supposed desk sex?) In any case, Mustang looked up from his work for a moment to make eye contact with her. The two stared at each other for a moment before continuing their duties.

They were just too damn obvious. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if they just got back from a quickie or something. Or at least some foreplay. What Breda told Sheska could hardly be considered a rumor, seeing how those two acted around each other. But while Havoc pondered this and tried to justify the false anecdote, he couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy.

He wished she could look at _him_ that way. As emotionless as her expressions came, her eyes said it all. They were windows to her soul; he knew that now. Mustang, on the other hand, was a rock. No matter how hard you beat on him, you just couldn't get inside his hard head. Hawkeye was easier to understand. She was the guardian angel, who watched from a distance, whom you could only see if you opened your mind to the possibility. Believing was seeing; and once you believed, you could see the luminosity flooding from her cherubic being.

As she finished her work at the Colonel's desk, she sat down at her own and began reading through some files, which were stacked neatly at the end of the surface. That was another thing he noticed about her: she kept things neat and tidy. She was a perfectionist, it seemed, but it fascinated him. She was so dedicated and passionate. If she could put as much devotion and care into a relationship as she did her work, she would be the best companion a man could ever ask for. Her attractiveness was just a bonus compared to everything else he adored about her.

After a few minutes, she looked up from her work and noticed he was staring at her. Her expression was unreadable, but he knew her well enough to know her eyes gave her away. He would have looked into them to decipher her emotions, but he quickly averted his attention back to his notebook before he made her angry, gawking at her that way. He blushed mildly, ashamed to have been caught.

He continued his writing, trying his best to finish up before he was scolded for slacking, something he did more often than not. But he had to finish this verse before it slipped from his mind. Although his thoughts never missed _her_, inspiration came quite seldom. He glanced at her once more before finishing the last sentence and quickly closed the notebook, hiding it from Breda's eyesight.

His entry read:

_A lengthy sonnet would be pointless. Numerous, repetitive ways of calling you beautiful wouldn__'__t ever get old in your eye? Somehow I don__'__t believe that. I could write to the ends of the earth and back again, describing with all the most stunning similes and masterful metaphors, imagery and compliments beyond compare. Everything you are, everything you deserve, all that I wish to give to you. But wouldn__'__t it simply be a shorter way around to say __"__I love you__"__, and express a lovesick poet__'__s adoration in the language of the body, not written on paper or parchment with ink? I believe that would be more effective, more genuine and true. It appears I dislike clichés. Either that, or I am simply a very lazy man. _

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A/N -- Thank you for reading!! xxx Hope you guys enjoyed. Btw, I love Jean's poetic side. :3


	3. Legitimate Feelings

A/N -- And I'm back, with the third chapter. (Wow, I've got a long way to go...) Yeah, this is going to be a very long story, so I hope you guys are ready. I have no idea how many chapters it will be, but I'm already positive it's going to be over 50, seeing as how I've got 3 chapters done, and the plot still hasn't been revealed and probably won't be for a few more chapters. In any case, I'm going to keep you guys interested as much as I possibly can. There's just a lot that needs to happen before I reveal the plot. XD Anyway, thank you, reviewers. It seems I already have 2 favorites here... THANK YOU!! 8D I love you guys, to the core. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

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**_The Green Notebook_**

**Chapter Three: "Le****gitimate Feelings"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

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He noticed she wasn't there the moment he walked in the door, as she was the first person he looked for every morning when he came in to work. At first, he figured she was running late, as improbable as it was for someone like her. He couldn't recall her ever being late for work, or even missing a day for any reason; unless it was her day off, of course. He assumed it was such and didn't bother with it. He would see her again the next day, right?

But she wasn't there the next day either. That's when he got concerned. In any case, the Colonel didn't seem too worried about it. What he found most peculiar about his behavior was the way he seemed so dedicated to his work all of a sudden. Usually, when Hawkeye had the day off, it became _his _day off as well. There was no one to tell him to finish his work, so he mostly relaxed while Havoc and the others worked their asses off to get everything done. But, this time, he worked extra hard without being told. It was odd, and this only made Havoc worry more.

"Where's the Lieutenant?" he finally asked halfway through the second morning.

Mustang never looked up from his work, only answered in his usual tone. "She's ill, so I made her take the week off."

Hearing this, he decided to go by and see her after he got off. Maybe he'd stop and buy her some flowers to make her feel better. He wondered what was wrong with her. Whatever it was, she was taking an entire week off, so it must've been pretty bad. She stayed on his mind for the rest of the day, and he worried about her. She lived alone, except for Black Hayate; he wondered how she could possibly take care of herself.

Her apartment was located in a different direction than his, but it didn't matter to him. And he did stop and purchase a bouquet of yellow roses with baby's breath before he arrived. Yellow roses, because those represented friendship…right? He didn't know what baby's breath stood for; he just got them because they looked pretty good with the yellow. In his opinion, it was a beautiful assortment; he only hoped she thought the same.

It was late in the afternoon when he knocked on the door of her apartment and waited patiently for her to answer. His heart leapt from anxiety as he heard the knob twist, and then she was standing in the threshold in black pajama pants and a white tank top. Her blonde hair trailed down over her small shoulders. He hadn't noticed how tiny her frame was until then, as the uniform he usually saw her in kept her figure unrevealed. He noticed she had curves. Great ones, in fact. Plus, the thin tank top was showing very nice cleavage. He had to tear his eyes away before speaking. Instead, he stared intently into her brown eyes and gave her his finest, crooked smile.

"The Colonel said you weren't feeling well," he explained, "so I figured I'd stop by an' see how you were doin'." He extended his left hand, which was holding the flower arrangement, and gave her a light nod to let her know that they were for her. When she smiled, he almost forgot to breathe.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Havoc," she replied as she took the roses and smelled them briefly. "You didn't have to, you know."

"I _wanted _to," he argued, and he mentally did an air-punch for thinking of such a good comeback. Maybe it scored him a few points.

Apparently, it did, because she smiled again. "Would you like to come in?" she asked.

His grin widened. "Sure."

He walked in behind her, glancing around the apartment and noticing how clean it was. Everything was orderly and neat, just like her desk always was at work. The place smelled nice too, and then he saw a scented candle lit on an end table next to the couch. It held an aroma of fresh-brewed tea with a hint of honey. Next to the candle was a paperback novel, which was lying open with the cover facing up and the pages pressed against the surface.

"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" he asked cautiously.

"Not at all. I was just reading a book," she explained. "Make yourself at home. I'll be right back with a vase for the flowers."

She walked out of the room, so he sat on the tan couch and waited for her to return. Shortly after, she came back with a black vase for the flowers. She set it on the end table, next to her book, and arranged the roses in the container, the bright colors of the bouquet standing out even more against the black. He felt a blush rise to his cheeks, seeing how appreciative she was of his gift.

When she was finished, she took a seat on the other end of the couch, leaning against the arm rest so she could face him. "So, the Colonel told you I was sick," she said. It wasn't a question; it was a statement, and there was a bit of irritation in her voice. He wondered if he had done something wrong.

"That's right," he confirmed with a solemn look. "He said you were taking a week off, and I got worried."

"I wanted to come back today, but he wouldn't let me," she sighed. "I had a fever yesterday, but that was all. I'm not that sick."

He was surprised at how talkative she seemed in the comfort of her own home. He couldn't recall ever hearing more words coming out of her mouth. Maybe it was because she _was _sick. "Have you gone to the doctor?"

"No, the doctor came to _me._" And there was the annoyed tone again. "The Colonel stopped by yesterday evening to check on me, and my blood pressure dropped. He had walked here, so there wasn't a car available. He tried to call the ambulance for me, but I told him there was no need for it. Instead, he called for a doctor to come _here_."

Concern veiled his once-serious expression. Her blood pressure dropped? That couldn't be good, could it? "I don't blame him," he told her. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said it was caused by stress." Her voice sounded as if she didn't believe what her doctor had told her, or she was trying to avoid any kind of sympathy. "That's why I've been _ordered_ to take the week off."

"Stress?" And now the worry could be heard in his voice. "Lieutenant…"

"It's nothing, Havoc. You don't need to worry about me." She forced a smile.

His frown only deepened. "Hey, I might not be the best person in the world to talk to, but you can tell me anything, ya know." He stared into her eyes again, trying to read them. Her expression showed hope, but her eyes were screaming for help. "Did something happen?"

She looked away from him as her smile faded. Her eyes seemed to be somewhere else for a moment, almost as if she was deep in thought. He didn't know if it was because something was really bothering her or if it was because she was contemplating on whether or not to talk to him about it.

"It's really stupid," she admitted.

"No, it's not. If it's bothering you, it's important." He couldn't believe the protectiveness in his voice. It seemed almost alien to him for him to speak it out loud, even though--in his heart--he had always been defensive of her.

"I just have this really bad feeling…" she explained, "like something horrible is going to happen. It keeps me awake at night; and even when I sleep, I have nightmares…" she trailed off and averted her gaze back to him, her expression unreadable. "I'm sorry; I'm being ridiculous."

"No, you're not. Tell me about it, about this feeling of yours."

She looked away again. "It's not a physical feeling, but it's still there. I don't know how to explain it… But then I begin to think of possibilities. You know, there's this State Alchemist serial killer going around, and life is getting less safe everyday. But it's not just that. I feel like something is going on, a big picture of some sort."

He nodded as he tried to understand. "So, you're worried. Is that it?"

"Very. But I shouldn't be. It's just a feeling and nothing more. It's completely illogical to go by a feeling, isn't it?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so. We shouldn't ignore our feelings, no matter what they are. They always hold some kind of significance." And by that, he was talking about two things. One, her bad feeling she had just described to him. Two, her possible love interest for the Colonel.

She looked back at him, her eyes pained. "Some feelings are best pushed aside. They'd only cause more stress and more trouble."

He got the idea that she was talking about both of those reasons too, whether he was aware of it or not. "Just do what makes you happy," he concluded as he gave her a soft smile. "You deserve it." He stood up and nodded in thanks, ready to leave. "Thanks for talking to me, Lieutenant. Ya know I'm here for ya anytime."

"Thank you, Havoc," she answered back, returning his smile. "I'll remember that."

"I'll come back in a few days to check on you," he promised. When she nodded, he bid her farewell and began to his trek back to his own apartment. All the while, he thought about everything she had said. A bad feeling… He wondered how bad it was. It had to have been pretty bad to have her so stressed out. She had a point, though, about that Scar guy. Mustang was a State Alchemist, which made him a target. She was worried about him. But she had said it was more than that, so he wondered what was on her mind.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice the girl walking in the opposite direction, whom he had accidentally bumped into. "Oh, sorry," he stammered, catching a glimpse of her. She had shoulder-length red hair and dark blue eyes. She was pretty, but she didn't seem too flattered by his apology. Hell, if looks could kill, he'd be a dead man for sure. She glared at him in disgust and walked away from him quickly.

He shrugged it off and continued walking, completely unbothered by her rudeness. She had small boobs anyway… Besides, he figured he might still have a chance with Hawkeye. He could always be wrong about her liking the Colonel…

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A/N -- Thanks for all your time, guys. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!


	4. Earth and Water

A/N -- Okay, yeah. So, it's been a while. Sue me. :( I've been busy and stressed out, so there's my excuse. XD Anyway, here's Chapter Four. It's longer than the others, so I hope you enjoy. :3

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**_The Green Notebook  
_  
Chapter Four: "Earth and Water"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

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_In comparison to your endless beauty and grace, even the most beautiful and revered flowers wither and die. The sun quails in your very presence, and envious stares follow each step you take. A man with everything in the world, and yet lacking you in his life, would be a sad man indeed._

It was the Lieutenant's fifth day out that day, he knew, as he had been keeping track with the days she had been on her one-week vacation. It had been difficult without her. It seemed like nothing was in order, not even his muse. He sighed as he looked down at the entry in his notebook and closed it without thought. It had been a few days since he had last seen Hawkeye, so he decided to stop by again after work that evening.

The rest of the guys had been mildly worried about her too. But, to keep from giving her unwanted attention, he didn't mention her sickness was caused by stress. He merely told them she had gotten a bit ill, and the Colonel was making her take an entire week off. Of course, this only caused more gossip about their supposed relationship, and Breda wondered if Hawkeye had a desk at home they were having sex on.

Fuery had been especially worried about her, but he was the type to have been worried about anyone. Of course, he also had a closeness with the Lieutenant, even though he was somewhat terrified of her. In any case, he respected and looked up to her. When Havoc thought about it, all of them did. She took care of them; they were her boys.

That's what started the plan of throwing her a 'welcome-back' party when she returned, an idea proposed by Warrant Officer Falman during their lunch break.

"We should welcome her back with a small party of some sort," he suggested.

"Oh, we should!" Fuery agreed. "I can try to make a cake, maybe!" His grin spread from ear to ear, and his dark eyes were dancing with excitement. "You think she'll like it?"

"You can cook?" Havoc asked with minor curiosity.

"A little bit…" he answered as the enthusiasm drained from his voice, but it returned quickly with his next statement. "I'll bake two! Then, I'll try one of them. And if it tastes good, I'll bring her the other one."

"And if it doesn't?"

"I'll buy one!" He pressed his fist to his chin and gazed downward, silently thinking to himself. "What kind of cake do you think she likes?"

"Chocolate's always good…" Breda suggested.

Falman disagreed, "She might be watching her weight."

"Are you implying she _should _be watching her weight?" Havoc asked in her defense. "If so, I'm tellin' ya she shouldn't. She's got the body of a goddess."

"No, no. Not at all. I'm just saying; you know how most women are…"

"Mind you, Lt. Hawkeye is not like most women." He glared lightly at his comrade, but Falman only smiled. All of them were amused by how defensive he was of her over something so trivial.

Fuery spoke up again. "Chocolate it is then! Everyone likes chocolate." His smile never faded. After that, it was decided that Falman would bring drinks, Breda would bring plates and napkins, and Havoc would bring a gift for her. He proposed this himself, though he agreed to say it was from all of them (his name listed first on the tag). As for the Colonel, they all figured what he had to offer her would cheer her up more than anything; desk sex never failed.

After the lunch break, they entered the office to see a very irritated-looking Roy Mustang. While the others were too afraid to confront him, Havoc did so without even thinking of the consequences. It was just like him to ask people if something was bothering them.

"Something the matter, chief?" he asked, half-smiling through his unlit cigarette.

He was silent at first, but he didn't seem angry with Havoc in the least. "They won't pay 1st Lt. Hawkeye for this week, even though she's ill. An unavoidable absence."

Of course, Havoc knew immediately who 'they' were. "She'll be alright," he assured his colonel.

"Well," his voice lowered, "I'm the one who asked her take the week off, so she shouldn't have to suffer because of that." He let out a long sigh. "I'll just pay her out of my own pocket."

Havoc grinned at this statement, almost pleased. "That's really sweet of you, Colonel."

He narrowed his eyes in exasperation. "It's nothing. Colonels make much more than Lieutenants." There was a hint of arrogance in his tone.

Havoc shrugged and sat at his desk, thinking to himself it probably didn't matter to the Colonel to pay her for the week if he looked at it as imbursement for desk sex. Even though it wasn't true, it was definitely possible the way they acted around each other. He wondered if that was the only reason he could do his paperwork now, because looking at his desk brought back wonderful memories of shagging his Lieutenant.

And that brought mental images to his mind…

"Ah!" he exclaimed suddenly, trying to force the visions from his brain. After realizing he had made a verbal outburst, he looked up to see everyone in the office staring at him with bedazzled expressions. He went pale for a moment and forced a smile. He was embarrassed to have done something so stupid. "Somethin' bit me. Damn bugs," was his excuse.

The remainder of the day seemed to go by pretty quickly after that. So, after Breda called for an exterminator to come for the supposed bugs residing in the building, he was free to make his way to Hawkeye's apartment.

She answered the door in a light blue v-neck and brown pants. Her hair was down again, and she smiled as she saw who it was at the door. "Lt. Havoc," she greeted him, almost surprised to see him.

"I told ya I'd come back to see how you were doing," he reminded her. "You look well."

"Thanks." Her eyes were kind, but she seemed mildly distraught. "Come in. I've just made a pot of coffee."

He followed her inside. "Good. It's bound to be better than that awful crap they got at HQ."

"No worries; it is." She led him into the kitchen, where she fixed both of their cups. Afterwards, they sat down at the table--facing each other--and began conversation over coffee, which was--as she promised--much better than the stuff they offered at work. In his opinion, it was the best cup of coffee he had ever had, but that was probably just because he was drinking it in Hawkeye's apartment with the beautiful Lieutenant herself.

"So, how are the guys at the office?" she asked, not making eye contact.

"Pretty well," he responded. "The Colonel wasn't in the best of moods today, but that's only 'cause he couldn't convince the big guys up top to pay you for this week, even though ya ain't workin'. Said ya couldn't help it if you were sick."

"Well, I'm not even sick."

"No worries though. He says he's payin' ya out of his own pocket." He almost choked on his coffee when he realized he had said that. Damn him, always talking too much. He bet the Colonel was going to do that discreetly, so she wouldn't have to worry about it.

"He's _what?_"

"Nothin'."

She gave an exasperated sigh. "I guess there's no stopping him. He's too stubborn to listen to anyone once he's set his mind on something."

"Don't tell him I told you. I think I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about it."

"Don't worry; I won't." She looked at him for a moment and smiled, but she glanced back down at her cup of coffee almost immediately as her smile faded. Her behavior concerned him, so he didn't hesitate to ask her if something was bothering her.

"What's wrong?" he asked, the anxiety apparent in his tone.

She was silent for a few moments before answering him. "Nothing."

He knew better than that. He tried to read her expression, but it was as solemn as usual. If she would just look at him, he would be able to see it in her eyes. Instead, he noticed something else about her. Something wrong. He glanced down towards her neck, where her hair had fallen back behind her shoulder. There was a well-sized bruise on her left side, under her jawbone.

"Who the hell did _that?_" he questioned dangerously as he pointed a finger at her neck. She looked up at him immediately.

"Did what?" Her eyes met his, and he immediately saw the panic there.

"That bruise on your neck."

She quickly covered it with her hand. "Don't worry about it; I took care of it."

His blue eyes formed a glare, even though he wasn't angry with her. He couldn't even think of possibilities at the moment. All he knew was that he was worried about her, and he was going to kick the ass of whoever hurt her. She was looking away from him, her bangs covering her half-closed eyes. "Tell me what happened, Riza."

She looked up at him for a moment, shocked that he had called her by first name. She couldn't recall him ever doing that before. It seemed unlike him, but she didn't focus on it. She could sense the anxiety in his tone, so she sighed quietly and decided to keep the truth from him no longer.

"I was attacked last night," she began. "Of course, I haven't left the house, as I promised the Colonel I wouldn't, since I'm 'so sick.' I was in my bedroom, folding clothes. I had opened the window to let in a breeze…"

As she trailed off, he didn't tear his gaze away from her. He listened intently with a fixed, stern expression. Her eyes traveled the room, doing anything to avoid eye contact. It hurt her to look at him because she could see his concern. She hated knowing how angry he was, how pained he was to see her in harm's way. She felt as if she was burdening him, but to not tell him now would only make things worse.

"Being on the first story, it's not that difficult to get in through a window. That's how he got in. He was silent until he was already halfway in. I had already showered and changed into my night clothes, so my gun was on the dresser, on the other side of the room…" She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I made it halfway there before he grabbed me and pinned me against the wall. I remained calm for the most part; I wanted to wait for him to let his guard down before I got away from him."

She shrugged. "Like I said, I took care of it. I got away from him, obtained my firearm, fired a few warning shots, and he ran off with his tail between his legs."

The room fell silent for a moment, even as she finally made eye contact with him. She had avoided details, which she believed to be unimportant, but Havoc knew she was hiding something. Instead of prying any further, he kept his mind focused on the information she had already decided to give him for now. He'd ask for details another time. Maybe.

"Do you know who he was?" he asked in a low voice.

She shook her head. "He called me by rank and name though, so he knows who I am. And I'm assuming he's in the military because he knew my rank, but there's no way to be sure. I doubt he'll come back anyway."

"I'll look into it… What did he look like?"

"The only light in my room at the time was the lamp on my bed stand, so I couldn't get a good look at his facial features. He was tall though, a little taller than you, and he had long hair; dark brown or black."

Havoc nodded and finished his coffee. "I'll tell the Colonel about it, and we'll--"

"No, you won't," she interrupted him. She glared lightly, her expression stern. "Don't tell the Colonel what happened."

"Why not?"

"It'll distract him from his work," she explained. "He'd concentrate more on my safety than his own goals. I don't want to divert him any further."

"He needs to know; he cares about you. Besides, I need his help on handling this."

"I didn't trust you with information so you could go around telling everyone, Lieutenant."

He hesitated before answering. "I know… But he needs to know."

"There's nothing to worry about. You don't need to look into it. You've helped me enough already."

"What if he comes back?"

"I'll take care of it."

He wasn't pleased with her answer. "If you don't tell the Colonel, I will. And I don't care if you're mad at me for it; I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe."

He looked intently into her brown eyes, oceans meeting the earth. Blue like water, like his personality. His eyes were a constant flow of determination, and it couldn't be stopped for anything. He was steady and constant, and he was flexible, taking the form of every crevice he passed. He glistened in the light, but he was easily tainted. Like water, he was, forever moving forward. Her eyes, brown like the earth. She was practical and grounded, nurturing and passionate. She provided life and comfort for all who needed it, and she was a protector. She was the soil they stood on, the foundation of life.

She nodded, though irritated with his persistence. "When do you plan on telling him?" It wasn't that she didn't want to tell him herself; she just didn't know how.

"I think he said he was workin' overtime tonight, so he should still be at the office. I'll stop by there to start my research and tell him then. If he's not there, I'll call him."

"Call him from an outside line," she reminded him.

He gave a light nod and stood up. "Thank you again, Lieutenant," he told her. "I'll stop by tomorrow and tell you if I find anything."

"No, thank _you_, Havoc." She smiled gently as she stood up as well and led him to the door. "You do too much for me."

"I don't mind it." He returned her smile. "Look, if you want to stay at my place tonight…"

"I'll be fine; don't worry about me." Her smile widened. "He wouldn't come back the next night, if he plans on coming back at all."

"Yeah… Good night, Hawkeye. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night." Her smile never faded, and neither did his. When he walked outside, and the door shut behind him, he gazed upwards towards the sky. It was almost nighttime. Colors faded to black slowly as the sun set in the west. But, even metaphorically, the night was just beginning.


	5. Love Her, Shield Her

A/N -- Okay, I know it's been a long time since I've updated, but I've been really busy with stuff. Anyway, many thanks to Mrs. Kelly Garland for making that delicious cheesecake for me, as it is what gave me the inspiration to write this chapter. XD I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. xxx

* * *

**_The Green Notebook_**

**Chapter Five: "Love Her, Shield Her"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

* * *

"You left her _alone?!"_ his angry voice bellowed, so loudly that Havoc had to put more distance between the phone and his ear. Like he promised, he had called the Colonel when he saw he had already left the office. He had to inform him immediately of what happened to Lt. Hawkeye. So far, it didn't seem he was taking the news very well.

"I… I invited her over to my place, but she declined," Havoc defended.

"AND YOU LEFT HER ALONE?!"

Havoc gulped. Maybe Hawkeye was right to not want to tell the Colonel about this; he was always one to overreact. But if he hadn't, he would have found out eventually, and Havoc would have to pay the price with his own blood. "Well, I… Yes… I'm sorry. Do you want me to go back?"

He heard an impatient sigh on the other end of the line. "No, it's fine. I'll go over there myself."

"Uninvited? Colonel, isn't that like harassment?"

"Compared to what that bastard did, absolutely not!" His voice was raised again.

Fair enough. "Just don't overreact, sir. The Lieutenant is more than capable of taking care of herself." He tried to keep his tone as cheerful as possible, despite the urge to react in the same way Mustang was. He wanted to be that angry, to find this guy and cease his existence, but he didn't want to act entirely on emotions.

There was a pause on Mustang's end for a moment, and then he spoke again. "Do you honestly think she told you the whole truth, Lt. Havoc?"

Havoc froze. He remembered the conversation he had with her and the feeling as if she weren't telling the whole truth. He figured it was just minor details she was hiding, but it seemed the Colonel suspected otherwise. "Well, why wouldn't she?"

He sighed again. "Lt. Hawkeye is the type who will tell you just enough information to keep you quiet while she keeps the rest of it to herself."

Havoc's voice went almost an octave higher. "You don't think he hurt her, do you?"

"No, I know her well enough to be sure she would be able to handle herself in that sort of situation, but that doesn't mean he didn't _try._"

He gulped. "Hopefully, she'll tell you. Y'all have known each other a while, right?"

He didn't answer his question. "Thank you for informing me of this, Lieutenant. I really appreciate it." A short click indicated the conversation had ended.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_As a soldier, it__'__s understandable I've seen the harsher ways of life. Perhaps I haven__'__t had the chance to be thrown into the midst of battle, and perhaps I do have it lucky compared to a lot of others in this military. But I've always been a dreamer. And so I dream. I wonder._

Havoc arrived at work early that morning in hopes to catch Hawkeye and speak to her. She was always early, from what he could tell, since she was always there when he got there. It seemed she was running late this time though. Either that, or Mustang was making her take the day off. Speaking of whom, the Colonel hadn't arrived yet either.

While he waited, he had written another verse in his notebook. When he was finished, he propped his feet on his desk and leaned back, relaxing as he tried to remember the description Hawkeye gave of her attacker.

_Taller than me, so over six feet… Long, dark hair…_

It wasn't much to go by, but she seemed confident this guy was in the military. Surely, he had to be higher-ranking to have access to her address. Either that, or he had followed her home. He wanted to begin looking immediately, but he didn't know where to start. He also figured he ought to wait for the Colonel, if he was coming.

But you know what they say. Speak of the devil, and the devil will appear.

A very irritating-looking Colonel Mustang entered the office at that moment, his strides long and rushed as he made his way to Havoc's desk. He had often been chastised for putting his feet on the furniture, so the first thing Mustang did was shove his feet off the desk, letting them land with a loud _plop _on the floor.

"Did you know she had a large bruise on her lower back?" he demanded. Havoc only stared, trying to make sense of this blatant irritation. Of course, Havoc was in a pretty good mood this morning, and it was too early to take anything seriously.

He answered without thinking. "What were you doin' lookin' at her bare back, chief?" His expression was horrified, but amused. But before Mustang could open his mouth to protest, Hawkeye entered with the same, irritated expression. She stopped at the doorway to send Havoc a light glare before averting it towards the Colonel.

_You stripped for him, but you didn't strip for me? _"Oh, Good morning, Lt. Hawkeye," he said cheerfully as he gave her his warmest smile.

"Why did you let him come to my apartment last night?" she demanded of Havoc.

Havoc threw his hands in the air in defeat. "It doesn't matter what I do! I'm always doing it wrong!"

"Havoc didn't _let _me do anything," Mustang hissed. It seemed her question had damaged his ego a bit, implying Havoc _let _him do something when it should be the other way around.

Havoc shook his head to agree with his statement. "Havoc didn't let him do anything," he said in third person, though his expression was full of disappointment. "Why didn't you tell me about the bruise on your back?"

"It's not like I can see it," she defended. "It's on my _back."_

Havoc looked at Mustang again. "Again, I ask, what were you doin' lookin' at her bare back?"

"She leaned against the counter, and I noticed her wincing a bit as if she were in pain," he explained calmly, "so I asked her if she would let me see what the problem was."

Although Havoc found it rude to ask Hawkeye to lift up her shirt, if even a little bit, for the Colonel to look at her back, he didn't argue. Of course, it wasn't all that rude if they were really desk sexing in their spare time. It wasn't as if he would be looking at something he'd never seen before, right?

That's when he started piecing this scene together. He knew Mustang had gone to Hawkeye's apartment the night before, and he noticed they walked in only seconds apart, meaning they arrived at the same time. Had Mustang…?

"Did you spend the night with her?" he asked, his pitch getting higher with each word.

Roy sighed. "Who else was going to stay up all night and make sure that creep didn't bother her again? Besides, I sure as hell wasn't going to leave her there by herself." He glared at Havoc with those last words, filling them with accusation. It seemed he was still disappointed in the blonde for leaving her alone, if only for a little while.

It was then Havoc noticed the dark circles under the Colonel's eyes. Had he gotten any sleep at all? He also looked a bit pale and nothing short of exhausted. No wonder Hawkeye was moody; she was probably worried about Mustang. Both his physical needs and his sanity.

"There was no point in your staying up all night," she countered, her voice soft. "I appreciate your concern, but you don't need to go through all of this trouble for me."

He didn't seem pleased with her comment. "It's not because I need to, Lieutenant." He said this in a finalizing tone, indicating the conversation was over. He then walked over to his own desk, sat down, and leaned his head back as his eyes closed momentarily. He opened them again just as everyone else made their way into the office, signaling the beginning of a long day.

As the hours passed, Havoc noticed that Hawkeye didn't reprimand the Colonel once for slacking. In fact, she didn't speak to him at all. Whether it was because she was angry at him or because she didn't want to disturb him, Havoc couldn't tell. He tried to read her expression, but it was void of emotion as always. Every once in a while, he noticed a warm look in her eyes when she looked at Mustang, but it seemed full of more concern than anything else.

When it was time for their lunch break, Havoc remained in his desk. Out of the other guys, Breda was the last one to leave. He looked back at Havoc questioningly, but Havoc only nodded at him, letting him know he'd be out there in a minute. Only Mustang, Hawkeye, and himself were left in the office. Though, he didn't know if Mustang really counted or not, considering he looked half unconscious.

"Hey, Mustang. Why don't you go home and get some rest tonight? I'll stay with the Lieutenant tonight, or she can stay with me."

He shook his head. "No, she's staying with me tonight, no matter how much she protests." In the background, one could hear her scoff quietly at his idea. "Havoc, I want you to stay here tonight and investigate who could have done this. You have a description; just look through our files, beginning with the higher-ups, and find potentials. We'll let her look through what you've found tomorrow and see if she recognizes any of them.

"We need to keep this on the down-low for now. If this is someone in the military, it could be serious. Doing something like this could have one removed from the military immediately. Only a sane person would attack a woman without surety of their acts being covered up by a high-ranking officer, not that the decision was very sane in the first place…

"He warned her not to tell anyone, so it would be best if we weren't seen investigating it. Rather, we need to pretend we don't know anything."

Hawkeye shifted in her seat as Mustang mentioned her attacker's warning; she hadn't told Havoc about that.

He glanced at her for a moment, now seeing what Mustang was talking about when he said she didn't tell the whole truth. Regardless, he nodded and accepted his instructions. "Yessir," he answered as he stood up to walk towards the door. He figured he ought to catch up with Breda and the others, being sure not to mention anything about Hawkeye's attacker. But, before he could leave, her voice stopped him.

"Lt. Havoc," she said, her voice soft.

"Hm?" He turned to look at her, and he noticed she was looking at him as well. They locked eyes for a moment, staring at each other with expressions full of concern for the other. The Colonel seemed oblivious to this scene, as he was only half-there at the moment.

"Thank you," she finally said.

"Welcome," he answered as he gave her a crooked smile. And then he left her there with the zombie-like Colonel, whose words echoes in his thoughts:

_It's not because I need to, Lieutenant…_

No, he _wanted _to protect her, just as Havoc wanted to. His happiness faded as the realization dawned. Every girl Havoc went after, Mustang stole her from him. Now, he was going to steal Hawkeye too.

* * *

A/N -- Please leave me a review, people. It gives me encouragement. :3


	6. Fade to Black

A/N -- ...I have nothing to say. XD Enjoy the new chappie.

* * *

**_The Green Notebook_**

**Chapter Six: "Fade to Black"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

* * *

"I guess Mustang decided he could keep a better eye on you if you were at work," Havoc noted as he continued to pass files to the beautiful Lieutenant, recalling the week off she was supposed to be taking because of her stress.

After arguing with a very exhausted Colonel, Hawkeye had finally convinced him to allow her to stay with Havoc and look through files while he went home and got some rest. Of course, he only agreed to this after Havoc offered to walk her to the his apartment afterwards, since he insisted she stay with him and out of harm's way. Before he left them alone, he received the key to Hawkeye's apartment so he could stop by there and pick up Hayate, since the only way she would agree to staying with him was if she could bring her dog with her. It was all agreements and conditions with them, and it didn't seem like Hawkeye was too fond of the attention she was getting. It was obvious in her expressions she didn't like two men looking after her because of something she considered "not that big of a deal."

They had been working for nearly three hours by that point. Havoc had been quickly scanning through personal files and passing the potentials to Hawkeye to see if any of them fit the description of her attacker. So far, they hadn't made any progress, or at least not in that area. They had kept conversation going, despite the lack of findings. Havoc was pleased with how easily they could communicate, almost as if they had known each other forever. They talked about their likes and dislikes, mostly. He found out she had an appreciation for good music, just as he did, and she loved taking walks after it had rained, and the scent of precipitation still lingered in the air.

She had remained silent for a moment after his most recent statement, and then she sighed gently as she set aside another file. "Yes. Although I wanted to come back to work, I didn't expect it would be under these conditions."

He couldn't help but laugh lightly at her comment. "Why would you want to come back to work?" He looked back at her and saw that she was smiling lightly.

"I like being surrounded by the people I care about." It was an honest answer, and it made him return her smile.

"Aw, that's sweet, Lieutenant. You really don't mind putting up with us?"

She shook her head. "Where would I be without my boys?"

_Her _boys, he noted to himself. "Yeah… We _are _your boys."

The room went silent for a moment as he turned back to look through more files. The stillness was interrupted, though, by Hawkeye's hand slamming on top of the desk, where she was browsing the files she had been given. He immediately turned his head to look at her. Her expression was calm, but stern, and her eyes were boring into a photograph in one of the profiles.

"That's him," she said calmly. "I recognize him now…"

Havoc's expression turned serious. "Who is it?" he asked as he made his way over to the desk to take a look for himself.

"Colonel Hector Brady," she explained. "You remember him, don't you?"

He gazed at the photograph over her shoulder and summoned memories of this man, trying to remember him. "He was here about a year ago, wasn't he?" he asked. "Wasn't he stationed in East City for a bit?"

She nodded. "And he hated our Colonel because he was over him, despite the fact they held the same ranking."

"Because this is our Colonel's jurisdiction, naturally." He sighed as he recalled the man's impatience and immaturity. And the fact that he was taller than he was. It wasn't every day Havoc found a guy who was taller than him.

"But he lives in Central…" she continued. "and he went back there months ago. Why would he make a trip to East City just to harass me unless he was stationed here again?"

"Wouldn't we know something if he was transferred here again?"

"Exactly. Someone didn't want us to know anything." She set the file aside and began reorganizing the other ones, getting them ready to be put away.

"But, why you?"

She shook her head as she handed him a stack of dossiers. "I have no idea…"

His hands touched hers as he took the stack from her, so he kept them there for a moment, pretending to be thinking. Well, he really _was _thinking, but that wasn't what kept his hands on hers. Part of it was because he longed to touch her, to be near her, to let her know that he would protect her and take care of everything for her. And part of why was because he noticed how cold her fingers felt. It didn't seem that chilly in the building…

"Your hands are cold," he thought aloud, his gaze dropping towards their almost-entwining fingers.

"It's because I'm so warm-hearted," she commented with a teasing grin. At that moment, she let her hands slip away from his and return to the remaining files on the desk.

He stood there for a moment to watch her work. Even though she was still smiling lightly, he could see her concern mirroring through her russet eyes. "What're we going to do?" he asked as he watched her.

"That's up to the Colonel." Her tone sounded pained, and he had a feeling it was because she already knew how he would react. He recalled the previous night, when he had told him about what happened to his Lieutenant. As soon as Mustang found out exactly who did it, there was no doubt he'd go looking for him. Realizing this, Havoc sighed.

And then he spoke words without even thinking about them first. "He's only reacting this way because he cares a lot about you, Lieutenant… Y'can tell by the way he looks at you."

She stopped what she was doing to stare at him for a moment, her expression a mix of bedazzlement and perplexity. "Well, of course. He cares about _all_ of his comrades." She stated this matter-of-factly.

"It's different with you though. Maybe it's because y'all have known each other for so long… The way he looks at you is kinda affectionate, in a way. People'll start thinkin' stuff."

"Really? What kind of 'stuff'?" She broke eye contact with him and continued to collect papers in her hands.

_Damn it, Jean… _he cursed at himself. "I don't know…" He couldn't lie to her; it was impossible. One, he was a bad liar. Two, Hawkeye was perceptive; it was one of her finest abilities as a soldier. So, he told the truth to avoid conflict. "Like… desk sex or somethin'. Maybe." He waited anxiously for her to pull out her gun and shoot him to death right then and there.

But she seemed more confused than angry. "…_Desk sex?"_

He laughed nervously. "I dunno."

"That's ludicrous," was all she said. It wasn't defensive; it was simply a statement. A comment on the idea. And then he realized how true her declaration was, how moronic it was of him to even think of such a possibility. Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye sexing in the office? Honestly…

Everyone knows Hawkeye's too modest to bang the Colonel in a _public _building.

"Yeah, it is," he agreed, ignoring his previous thought. "A bastard like him doesn't deserve a woman quite so wonderful."

She chortled at this, amused. He was just about to apologize for saying it, since it had slipped out by accident; but she didn't seem to mind it, so he laughed with her. "You have a point. He's too occupied with his goals to want anything more than a short-term relationship." She seemed bothered by her own statement.

His laughter ceased as he tried to comprehend what she meant by this. A part of him believed she was only pointing out a fact that backed up his previous opinion and nothing more. Another part of him wanted to say she actually felt _sad _that Mustang wanted nothing more than some brief fling to keep him entertained for a while. He looked at her eyes, but they were downcast, away from him. Had he been right all along? Did she really…?

"Too bad, huh?" he asked, not really wanting it to be a 'too bad.' He wished it could be more of an 'oh well,' but he knew better. Why would she want someone like him when there was Roy Mustang, the ultimate embodiment of perfection? Once again, that left Havoc at second best.

She was silent before looking in Havoc's direction, her eyes narrowed in question. "'Too bad?'"

"Too bad he doesn't want something real; you'd be his first choice."

She looked down again as she picked up the last of the files and quietly handed them to Havoc. When she did this, he took hold of one of her hands. She looked up at him in wonder, her eyes narrowed as if she were demanding an explanation for his behavior. He didn't tear his gaze away from her, for he was searching for emotions in her shining eyes. Her hands were still cold; he could feel her fingers curling up in his hand. They were like ice, much unlike her warm gaze.

"You love him, don't you?"

The quietness of the room after his question was almost disturbing. Neither of them moved or even looked away. They only stared at each other, the only sound of the room being their faint breathing and their hearts pounding vigorously within each of their chests. Her expression turned to shock before fading into stunned sadness. He regretted saying anything to her; there was apparently more to this situation than he knew.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I shouldn't have--"

"Don't apologize," she responded quickly, her voice lacking emotion. Her eyes averted towards her right, and the dim light of the room reflected off the new moisture in her russet orbs. "It's nothing, really."

His heart was beating so forcefully that it hurt his chest. His breaths were slow and short, and his eyes widened mildly as she spoke. She hadn't admitted to loving him, but she hadn't denied it either. He couldn't endure the scene before him. Even though the truth always lingered in the back of his mind, that she really did love Roy Mustang instead of him, he had gotten his hopes up. God, what he'd do to have her love him instead. All those nights he had lain awake and thought of her, and then she had been there in his dreams. All of those fantasies where he was holding her close and running his fingers through her long, blonde hair. Those poetic phrases which ran through his head when he thought of her, sweet nothings he vowed to tell her when she belonged to him. Every smile he smiled for her. Every time he thought to himself how much he loved her. Each time he made eye contact with her when he gazed across the office to examine her angelic beauty. The way he even held her hand just now, and the burning in his heart when he looked into her eyes. Was it all for nothing just because of this moment?

He let go of her hand, which dropped immediately to her side. He unhurriedly set the files down next to him, now avoiding eye contact. He didn't want her to see the moisture forming in his own, cerulean eyes. Before he loved her, he was lost in a dark room. The objects in the room were faintly clear in his vision. He could tell how big the room was, and he could see which objects were where. And then someone walked in and turned the light on, and everything vibrated with a golden glow. He could make out the texture of each object in the room. Everything there had a new, significant meaning. Everything seemed warmer, and the luminosity embraced him and gave him hope. And then the light went out, but his eyes were already adjusted to the brightness and were therefore blinded by that illumination, and now he couldn't see anything anymore. Only blackness. There was nothing left.

"It doesn't mean anything," she said, and he couldn't tell why she was saying it. He wanted to hope it meant she could learn to love him instead, but he was almost sure she was only trying to defend herself.

"I'm sure it doesn't," he replied in monotone. He placed his hands on the desk and leaned over it, trying to keep himself balanced. What had happened to all the air in the room? And why did his body ache so much?

"He would never return my feelings." Her voice was quiet, and each word stabbed at him like a thrusting blade. "I wouldn't want him to."

This confused him, so he turned to look at her as he desperately tried to fight the pain. "Why not?"

"Because it would distract him from his goals. He would put me before everything else, and I would get in his way."

And as much as he wanted to be with her, he still loved her. The pain in his heart slowly ceased as she said those words, but it wasn't because there was new hope sparking there. It was because he wanted her to be happy. And if she would be happier with Mustang than she would with him, then he'd do everything he could to make that happen. That selfish side of him wanted to embrace her immediately and tell her she didn't need that selfish bastard; all she needed was him, Jean Havoc. He could make her happy, and he could protect her. Unlike Mustang, he _could _put her first. He wanted to beg her for a chance and tell her she could learn to love him. But, no, he had to be the good guy.

"You'd make him happy though," he reasoned. "Maybe it'd be for the best. Your love would just be another reason for him to keep fighting and pushing for the top. If anything, it'd move him forward, not hold him back."

"Don't worry about it, Havoc. It's nothing, really."

"You'll tell him one day, right? There's still a chance, you know…"

She shook her head. "But I can still be here for him and take care of him. That's all that matters to me."

He straightened up and picked up the files again, already beginning to place them back in their appropriate locations. "Just do what makes you happy; you deserve it."

When he looked back at her, she was smiling again. "That's the second time you've ever told me that."

"It is?" He tilted his head in question.

She nodded. "Remember that first night you came to check on me?"

He reflected her smile as he remembered. "Yeah. I guess I did, didn't I?"

"Thank you again."

"No problem. Now, let's get you to the Colonel's place before he bursts a blood vessel worrying about you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The walk to Mustang's apartment had been mostly quiet. They had exchanged glances every now and then, but it was awkward for the most part. Havoc blamed himself for that discomfort because of the realization dawning over him, breaking every piece of him and ending every dream.

Why did it hurt so much now? He always knew it, somewhere in the back of his mind. Why was he being such a damn baby about this? And he knew deep down that the Colonel deserved her, a lot more than _he _did anyway. Roy Mustang was a good man, and he'd take care of her. He just hated to see her waste her love like that. Hiding it. She was putting his goals before either of their happiness, and he couldn't stand it. By God, if he couldn't make her happy, she'd better damn well be happy with whatever road she chose.

Which was why he made up his mind to talk to the Colonel himself about it. As for how and when, he had no idea. He had to push his feelings and happiness aside and think of them. He had to think of Riza because she mattered more than anyone else in this world.

And when he was back in his own apartment, he took out a pen and paper and began to write a song, a lit cigarette placed between his lips. He didn't know how to write music, but he had a tune playing in his head as he wrote the lyrics, every thought focused on his--now lost--love.

_Sunlight in her hair  
__Why doesn't she see me?  
__Passes me by for her first choice,  
__Would rather be with him.  
__She's everything I know  
__And everything I dream of  
__All I can do is see her through  
__Provide the shoulder to cry on._

_He was meant for her  
__She was meant for him  
__So who am I to fuck with fate?  
__Who am I to change what should be?_

_  
__I can only watch  
__And be happy for my golden girl  
__I can only stand  
__And say that I support him  
__All I do is see  
__I see too much and it hurts me  
__I can't turn away  
__But I can't turn away_

_Darkness in his eyes  
__Why doesn't he see her?  
__He's perfect to her, perfect to all  
__Flaws visible only to him.  
__He's everything I trust  
__And I should be happy  
__All I can do is wait for them  
__To fly or fall apart._

_He was meant for her  
__She was meant for him  
__So who am I to fuck with fate?  
__Who am I to change what should be?_

_I can only watch  
__And be happy for my golden girl  
__I can only stand  
__And say that I support him  
__All I do is see  
__I see too much and it hurts me  
__I can't turn away  
__But I can't turn away_

_Two together  
__One alone  
__Smoke on the wind  
__Fire left to burn_

_Looking from the sidelines  
__And I smile along  
__I know they deserve this  
__But what about me?  
__Where does that leave me?_

_I can only watch  
__And be happy for my golden girl  
__I can only stand  
__And say that I support him  
__All I do is see  
__I see too much and it hurts me  
__I can't turn away  
__But I can't turn away  
__Oh, I won't turn away._

* * *


	7. That Which Can't Be Lost

A/N -- I know it's been a while, but I've been busy with a lot of crap this school year. I'm a senior in high school, and I come from a poor family, so I've been working my ass off applying for scholarships so I can try to afford uni. And if any of you attend uni in the US, you know how bloody expensive it is. So... there's my excuse. Sorry, guys! I've also been working on a poetry project of mine. I recently got published in _The Poetic Monthly_ magazine, and I was also published in a book. If any of you are a member of The Poet Sanctuary, I'm Anael [Yksin]. Please look for me!

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review! xxxxx

* * *

_**The Green Notebook**_

**Chapter Seven: "That Which Can't Be Lost"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

* * *

_I imagine familiar faces painted with shades of death. People I care for. Fires being extinguished, hawks shot from the sky, golden sunlight burning cold and dim. And it__'__s when I imagine these things--the red sky, the screams, heralding the dawn of war--that I wish that you, nameless faceless woman, were by my side. I am grateful I can hope you exist for me. The thought of you keeps me warm when I imagine myself in the cold of the trenches and rubble. There, I am alone. And yet there, I am loved because you are there for me. Waiting for me._

He had gotten to work early that morning to wait for the Colonel and Lieutenant. While he waited, he finished another entry in his notebook. He had already placed Hector Brady's file on Mustang's desk; that way, when everyone else came in, they wouldn't be curious if he suddenly handed the Colonel a file. At least, this way, Mustang could put it somewhere safe until he got time to look at it. That would probably be during their lunch break, so Havoc made a mental note to get out of the office as quickly as possible when lunchtime rolled around. If there was one thing in this world he didn't want to see, it was Roy Mustang when he found out who hurt Hawkeye.

The Lieutenant walked in first, and he noticed she seemed in a much better mood this morning than she had the previous one. He smiled at her as they made eye contact and quickly shoved his notebook somewhere Breda wouldn't find it later.

"Mornin', Lieutenant," he said, giving her his biggest grin. She couldn't help but smile back at him.

"Good morning, Lt. Havoc," she replied, just as the Colonel trod in behind her. He didn't seem all too pleased, but at least the dark circles were gone. He looked like he had actually gotten some sleep, so that was an improvement. He sat down at his desk and immediately picked up the file, since Breda and the others hadn't made it in yet. If Mustang hadn't moved so quickly to grab it, Havoc would have made a run for it like he had planned… Too late now.

His eyes narrowed in rage as he looked over the profile of Colonel Hector Brady, and both Havoc and Hawkeye could sense the change of atmosphere in the room.

"I already told him everything we discussed last night, Havoc," came Hawkeye's gentle voice, breaking the awkward silence in the room. Havoc's heart leapt for a moment, since the first thing that came to mind was when they discussed her feelings for the Colonel. It seemed that was all he could really recall of the previous night, and then he remembered Brady and how he was supposed to have been in Central…

"Sir, do you have any idea what could be going on here?" Havoc asked quietly.

"It could be a number of things," he replied, "but my guess would be someone is trying to get to me, since I can't think of any other reason why someone would deliberately hurt my 1st Lieutenant, seeing is that's all they would gain from it… But that doesn't make much sense either because I don't know how anyone would get the idea that she could be used as a tool to get to me."

When he called her _his _Lieutenant, he had to keep from smiling.

"Perhaps I should track him down," Havoc suggested.

"Not by yourself, you're not," Hawkeye snapped, almost protectively. Mustang nodded in agreement.

"Well, you can't go because he knows who you are," he told Hawkeye, "and I doubt Mustang'll leave you alone for half a second. I'm the only one who can go."

"Which is exactly why you both need to stay out of it," she said harshly. "Just don't worry about it. There's no point in both of you getting involved. Whatever is going on here, the enemy is only targeting me for now. I don't want someone else to get hurt because of me. If you show yourself to the enemy, you--"

"Don't worry about us," the Colonel interjected. "You're not going to talk us out of this."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "If something happens to me, and neither of you are there to save me, they won't suspect you of anything. They'll leave you alone, giving you time to investigate it further and figure out what's going on. And I'd rather risk one life than three."

"Riza," Mustang said quietly, almost sadly. Havoc was startled at the way he addressed her by first name, so he didn't breathe a word. "Riza, I do not want you talking like that. Your life is no way even close to expendable. Stop wanting to take these risks and listen to the people who care about you. We're going to protect you, no matter what the cost."

The room fell silent for a few moments. She swallowed before answering him. "I just have a bad feeling, and if this is as serious as I think it is, I don't want to risk anyone else; especially you, sir."

"You accept that I can't be lost?" he asked, his tone growing gravely irritated. "Then it's settled; we protect you above all else… After all, I'd be lost without you."

Silence again. The only present sound was of the Colonel placing the profile somewhere safe and hidden. No one spoke for a while, but it was Mustang who finally broke the awkward silence.

"…First, we need to figure out how someone could have possibly come to the conclusion that Lt. Hawkeye could be used against me."

_Well, everyone oughtta know she could be used against you, _Havoc thought to himself, _since everyone's convinced you're having secret office sex at night._

…_Oh_.

_Oh_… _Shit._

All the color drained from his face at that moment, and he stared at the Colonel with wide eyes. "Oh… no…" he said quietly. "Oh… _Fuck."_

"What's wrong, Lt. Havoc?" Mustang asked in an annoyed tone. Hawkeye only looked at him with concern.

"I…" He looked down at his lap, just as the room began to spin around him. The corners of his vision were fading to black. "I think I'm going to be sick…" He leaned over his desk when he suddenly felt small, feminine hands land on his shoulder. He knew it was Hawkeye, but he couldn't recall ever hearing her walk across the room.

"Havoc, get a hold of yourself. What is it?" came the Colonel's harsh voice, but it was filled with concern as well.

Havoc closed his eyes and shook his head. It took every ounce of his strength to keep from losing his cool with himself. "This… might be my fault…" he admitted.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Now, about this goddamn scum, Brady…" Mustang said as Hawkeye left the room to make sure the others stayed out, since the he was having 'an important conference' with the 2nd Lieutenant. Havoc had already finished his explanation of the desk sex theory, which had only started out as a joke. The Colonel hadn't looked too pleased with this, now that he knew his men were discussing his not-sex life with the Lieutenant. When Breda's telling Sheska via telephone was discussed, he only let out an annoyed sigh. He didn't seem too surprised, but he did give Havoc a good chastising for beginning rumors, especially when enough higher-ups didn't like him already and would love any opportunity to tear him down. Of course, Hawkeye--bless her soul--kept telling Havoc it wasn't his fault. He had expected her to be angry, but she wasn't. Good ol' Hawkeye, calm and contained as ever. She was hesitant to leave her friend alone with the Colonel, but orders were orders.

Havoc was staring at Mustang curiously, wondering what he planned to do about Brady. The Colonel leaned back in his chair, keeping his ebony eyes focused on Havoc's pale blue; who was standing in front of the alchemist's desk, leaning partially forward onto the edge of the surface. There was silence between them for a moment before Mustang spoke again.

"We can't just wait for him to make the next move. I'm going to investigate, ask around. Nothing dangerous. I'll just have a word with my contacts, who are all outside the military."

"And then what?" the blonde asked.

"Well, it's not suspicious for a Colonel to look into an assault of one of his Lieutenants. If anything, it'd look suspicious if I _didn't_. Despite the fact he told her not to say anything, if I'm supposedly having sex with her at work, there's no way I missed that bruise on her back, right?" He glared accusingly at Havoc. "It wouldn't raise too many eyebrows if I tracked him down to wherever he's holed himself in the East, provided that's the case. Most likely, he'd struggle, with which I'd deal in a manner suitable for criminals. Nothing suspicious about that… And if I got a little carried away, well, it's self-defense by that point."

He leaned forward and dropped his elbows on the desk, continuing. "If we're informed of his identity, then we're fairly safe. If not, we'll know it's being covered up and, as you and the Lieutenant suspect, higher-ups are involved. We'll have to assume the worst until confirmation is given."

"Anything I can do, chief?" Havoc asked.

"Just stay put for now. But when I go to take him out, I want you to come with me."

"Yessir." He nodded once and cast his eyes downward, beginning to think about what he decided the night before. He had promised himself he would talk to the Colonel about Hawkeye's feelings.

"About… you and Lt. Hawkeye…" he began, "I know there ain't nothin' goin' on, but…"

"You should never make assumptions, Lt. Havoc. And even if it was true, it wasn't your place to tell everyone in Amestris." He glared at him again.

He wanted to defend himself, but that wasn't what he needed to tell him. He had other goals to accomplish now; he had to make Riza happy. She deserved it. "Earlier, you said you'd be lost without her…"

"I wasn't lying, but what you're thinking is not what I meant to convey."

"Quit kidding yourself; it's obvious." His voice went somber as he spoke. "If you love her so much, why don't you just ask her out?"

His expression turned sad as he looked away from his blue-eyed comrade, resting his chin in his palm and gazing past him, almost as if he was seeing beyond the four walls of the office. "Because it'd be selfish," he answered finally.

"Selfish, sir?"

"It would just endanger her, like with Brady, who probably attacked her because of her link with me. Plus, it could get in the way of my goals, and I can't put personal happiness before what I have to do… I don't deserve happiness."

"But you could… because she loves you. She told me herself."

He didn't seem surprised at this statement. "She shouldn't; I don't want her to. If I keep being distant and authoritative, she'll move on. I'll hate it, but it's for the best."

"Maybe you should try it anyway, see how it all plays out… You know, she's happiest when she's with you; that's obvious enough."

"It wouldn't work." He was looking at Havoc again. "It can't happen… If I start allowing myself these liberties I don't deserve, I'd love h--…I'd care about them too much."

Havoc's blue eyes narrowed into a glare. "But you _do_ deserve them! Because you're Roy fucking Mustang, and you don't set these goals for yourself, but for the sake of others; just like some storybook hero."

The alchemist stood up to put himself as close to eye-to-eye as he could get with the blonde. His chair scraped against the floor as he pushed it back with his legs when he stood. "The only reason I want to achieve my goals is because it's the only way I can justify my next breath! Forget happiness, I don't deserve _life_! But I'm too much of a coward to deny myself that, so I live for the sake of others. I can't live for myself because, the second I do, my life becomes unjustifiable."

He wanted to punch him. He wanted to smack him so bad… But there was that commanding officer thing. If it weren't for that, there'd be nothing to stop him. "You think you're so damn noble, not thinking of your own happiness, but have you ever stopped to consider _hers_? Maybe you should think about that, or does she not deserve happiness either?"

A soft knock on the door ended the conversation. Both men looked back at the door as it opened, and Hawkeye peeked in. The tensions between the two suddenly diminished. "Wrap it up, boys," she told them. "You can't expect me to baby-sit three grown men much longer, can you?"

The Colonel then allowed everyone to come in, and Havoc returned to his own desk. He had the rest of the day to collect his thoughts… First, there was Brady to worry about. Was he acting alone, or did he have orders from the higher-ups? It made sense, seeing as how that would be the only way he could get away with something like this. And if that was the case, who was giving the orders? He also wondered if there was even a chance for Mustang and Hawkeye; and if there wasn't, was there a chance for him? Or would pursuing her now be considered a betrayal to the Colonel?

* * *


	8. Emptiness

A/N--OH. MY. GOD. I HATE THIS CHAPTER. DX I hate the way it was written, really... I just didn't know what else to do with it. ;_; Sorry if it sucks, which I know it does. Please forget the crappiness. I fail at stuff like this, so sue me. Next chapter will be better, I swear. -scurries off-

* * *

_**The Green Notebook**_

**Chapter Eight: "Emptiness"**

**By: Sirens of Rose**

* * *

She didn't ask what they had talked about, but he could tell she was curious. Maybe not as curious as Breda, Falman, and Fuery--who seemed to take pleasure in taunting him about getting bitched at by the Colonel for slacking again--but there was that inquisitiveness in her eyes that pleaded for answers. Of course, she thought their entire conversation had been about Brady; she wanted to know Mustang's plan. Havoc, on the other hand, had something else to tell her. He had already planned on telling her what the Colonel had said, and he planned on making things right between them. So, during their lunch break, he determinedly avoided the guys and asked Hawkeye if he could speak to her alone. Knowing it was about what Mustang had said to him earlier, she agreed and led him into an empty storage room down the hall. He was actually thankful no one saw them leave, else it would have caused more rumours.

"So, you two planned?" she asked, already avoiding eye contact with the blonde.

"More or less," he answered. "But I've been planning something else."

She looked towards him and raised an eyebrow. "Something else?"

"I talked to him about why everyone believed those rumours. I talked to him about how obvious it is that you two are in love with each other and keep denying it. I even told him you loved him."

She narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her.

"And you know what? I was right. He _does _have feelings for you. So, you two are going to love each other and be all happy and swell, you hear? I'm tired of seeing you all unhappy like this… You deserve each other, alright?"

"Havoc, this is none of your business…"

"I don't care, okay? You deserve to be happy. And, damn it, you're _going _to be happy because I lo--Because you deserve it."

"You…" A look of startle crossed her face, mixed with worry and despair, and it made him love her. Everything about her made him love her. She dropped a pen in the office, and it made him love her. She walked to work each morning, and it made him love her. She smiled, and it made him love her. She brushed back her hair with her hand when she was nervous, and it made him love her. She stood there in the inventory room with that look of utter uncertainty, and it made him love her. Her eyes met his, and he loved her more. "Havoc…"

"I love you, Riza, but that's not going to change anything. You're beautiful and kind and intelligent. You're my inspiration and hope. It's you when I close my eyes and you when I open them. It's you when I'm happy, and it's you when I'm sad. You're everything to me. You're everything a man could ever want… You're perfect, and that's why he deserves you, not me. But I'm okay with that because I know he can make you happier than I ever could. So, please. Please do this for me. Be happy. That's all I want is for you to be happy."

He couldn't tell what she was thinking. Her expression was blank, almost emotionless. Like she didn't know what to say or do, like all she knew to do was stand there and stay beautiful. And that was fine with him.

"Havoc," she said again, "the Colonel and I could never be… I already told you why."

"Nothing's going to happen to you," he countered. "I'm going to protect you, and I'm going to make sure you're always happy. And if he hurts you, I'll shoot him in the face."

She smiled at his last statement, but a frown soon replaced it. "I'll talk to him about it today."

"Promise?"

"I promise… I'll talk to him about it after work."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Lt. Havoc," the Colonel's voice rang through the office after everyone had cleared out, except for Havoc, Hawkeye, and Mustang himself. The sun was already setting outside, and the others had already begun to head home. Havoc decided to wait a while before leaving though, just in case the Colonel needed to discuss more plans concerning Brady before he left.

"Yes, sir?" Havoc answered him, still sitting at his desk with an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

"I think we need to have a meeting at my place, disguise it as a simple get-together. That way, there won't be as much suspicion as there would be if we stayed here."

He nodded, quietly recalling Hawkeye's promise. He wondered how she'd pull it off now… "'Kay," he answered as he shoved his green notebook into a drawer and stood up. He stretched his arms and yawned, nearly dropping the cigarette in the process. "Let's get this party started."

So, the walk to the Colonel's apartment was a little awkward, what with Havoc having talked to both of them at different points of the day about how they were obviously in love with each other. He smoked his cigarette on the way, and he even made sure they walked close to each other, even though it didn't help settle the tension. When they finally arrived at the apartment, Havoc could hear Hayate scratching on the front door, almost as if he sensed that his master was home. When he opened the door, the dog ran towards Hawkeye and greeted her with small barks. He saw her smile and pat the dog affectionately, just before telling him to behave himself and calm down before he "upset that grumpy man." Of course, she was referring to Mustang. No way in hell would anyone call Havoc a "grumpy man."

Mustang took a seat in the lounge chair and motioned for Havoc and Hawkeye to sit on the couch in front of him, which faced him. The place was surprisingly clean, and he wondered if it was always this spotless, or if Hawkeye had just brought her cleanly habits with her. It was quiet; even Hayate was quiet. He had settled himself in the corner and watched everyone with curious eyes. Havoc continued to inspect the place, waiting for the Colonel to speak. Upon examination, he noticed that both Hawkeye and Mustang had their gazes downcast. They both seemed to be deep in thought.

Havoc nudged Hawkeye with his elbow, encouraging her to speak. She looked at him quizzically, and he nodded. Then, she shook her head, so he elbowed her again. This time, she glared at him lightly, but it seemed to work this time.

"Colonel… There's something I need to tell you…" she said quietly.

"I need to tell you something too," he responded, "but you go ahead."

"Havoc told me what you said this morning."

Mustang's gaze met Havoc's, and he swore it was reflecting hellfire and brimstone. He gulped and cowered against the couch. He mouthed the word "sorry" before looking away from him.

"Yes, that's actually what I wanted to discuss with you…" he continued.

"There's no need," she said, allowing her golden-brown eyes to lock with his ebony-black. "I… There's something you need to know."

"I already know, Riza. Havoc told--"

"No, that's not it… I need to clear this up with you. I was confused, but I understand now…" She looked away, her eyes moving downwards again. "I… I don't love you."

He was silent, but Havoc couldn't help but let out an outburst. "What?! Lieutenant!…"

"I'm sorry you thought I did, though that was partly my fault and not just Havoc's. I care a lot about you, and I was confused. I thought I loved you, but I don't." She hung her head in desperation, her hands folding in her lap as she spoke. "It's not like I could tell the difference. I've never loved anyone before."

He shook his head and spoke with a quivering voice. "No, I... I understand. I'm sorry if I seemed to make any assumptions."

"I'm sorry about the confusion, sir."

"No, of course. I never truly believed you did. It's better that you don't anyway."

Havoc took turns staring at each of them, a look of true shock on his face. He didn't know whether to be happy or heartbroken… or whether or not to believe it. Could it be that the talk he had with her earlier had changed her mind? Could it be that his confessing his love for her had been enough to sway her?…

"Excuse me," she interrupted the silence and stood from the couch. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and walked down the hall. Havoc heard a door open and shut shortly after, and then he focused his attention on the pained look in the Colonel's eyes. His shoulders were slumped, and it just didn't look like Roy Mustang anymore. He didn't look near as confident. Plus, he had just got turned down by a girl. But not just any girl. Riza Hawkeye. The one he loved. The one who loved _him. _And that was why the scene just didn't make sense… What was she thinking?

"Care for a drink, Havoc?" the man offered, not lifting his gaze.

"Wha--that's it?" he bellowed, immediately standing from his seat on the couch. "You don't even _care_, sir? Unless this is your way of dealing with bad stuff, in which case, really need to get a new way… But whether she loves you or not, she still cares for you and I bet--in there…" He dramatically pointed down the hall to where she had gone. "…I bet she's pretty torn up about what she had to do just then."

He looked up at Havoc with understanding eyes for only a moment, then he stood up and rushed down the hall. He knocked lightly on the door. "Riza?"

Havoc sat down again, doing his best to calm his emotions. He really needed to learn how to control himself… He was almost tempted to go stand at the door with Mustang. He wanted to open the door, walk in, and talk to her. He wanted to comfort her. He knew she had to be upset… Even if she didn't love him, it took a lot of guts to say that, to break his heart… But it was really none of his business, like she said.

_Congratulations, Jean, on making another fucking mess of things…_

"Riza?" he said again. "I'm coming in…"

He opened the door to his own bedroom and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, bent over her knees and crying into the palms of her hands. Without thinking, he stepped forward and grabbed her in his arms. He held her to his chest and ran a hand through her now-tousled hair. "Riza? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You really don't need to... It's okay."

She returned the embrace and shook her head against his shoulder, speechless from so many tears.

"It's okay, I promise. I'm fine. It's okay that you don't love me. I'm sorry…" he said as he lost himself in the hold. "I'm sorry I love you… I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll be fine. Things will go back to normal. We'll work together, like always. Like friends."

"No, don't worry about me, Roy… I'm fine, really."

"Then quit crying; don't lie to me." He held her more tightly and stroked her hair, letting her cry on his shoulder. Letting her fall apart in his arms so he could hold her together. He hated seeing her like this; it was like it wasn't Hawkeye. She was supposed to be the strong one, stronger than any other person he knew. Usually, it was _him _that was falling apart while _she _held _him_ together. He was her only weakness. His pain was her pain.

"I'm really sorry for the confusion... But you don't have to worry about it anymore. You can concentrate on your goals now, and I'm still going to be there to help you every step of the way."

He pulled away slowly and lifted her chin with his hand. "Riza? Look at me…" When her gaze met his, he continued. "If that's what this is about… If you're only afraid of getting in my way… No, don't worry about that. I would never let you get in my way. Please, if that's what this is about, I need you to tell me the truth."

She didn't answer, only continued to look at him, almost as if words abandoned her. He could tell she was thinking of what to say, of some way to lie to him and could not.

He sighed. "Riza, tell me the truth… If you love me, please tell me."

She inhaled deeply and looked down again. "I… I don't… I don't love you…"

His tone grew impatient. "I'm sorry for this," he said, just before placing his lips to hers. Her held her face close to his, kissing her gently and delicately, like anything more passionate would break her further. He pulled away after a moment and stared into her expressionless gaze. "I'm sorry if I seem arrogant and over-confident, but I just don't believe you. I was an idiot to hurt you this way. Please, forgive me. And let me do the right thing. Let me love you. If I work hard enough, I can still follow my goals and be with you. And I would. I would work so hard for that... If I'm wrong, then you can leave. You can go home, and I won't make you stay here another night. I wouldn't want things to be awkward for you… Things can go back to normal. But, if I'm right... I need you to tell me."

"No... You're right," she said, wiping away more tears with the back of her hand. "You're right not to believe me when I say I don't love you."

He pulled her into a passionate kiss, not even caring that Havoc was still waiting in the main room. Remembering this, he snapped his fingers and used a wave of heat to slam the door shut.

When Havoc heard the door shut, he smiled to himself. He figured it best to leave them alone. He wasn't needed here anymore. So, he stood up and found a scratch sheet of paper on pen. There, he inscribed a note for them to read later and left it on the fridge:

_Good luck, you two. You owe me.  
__-Havoc_

Then he left them in the apartment and began his walk through the darkness, his heart feeling more empty now than it ever had in his whole life.

* * *

A/N--I shall now avoid people throwing shoes at me because of how badly this was written. XD -hides under a table-


End file.
